--------Don't Be That Guy-------- Hollywood Edition

Christmas Mass 2009 - NOTES

2009-12-25T13:59:00.001-08:00

0:00 - Need a bigger entrance. Feel like I've see the whole "walking in a line from the back while singing" thing a million times.

1:32 - Cantor is a little pitchy. Please adjust in the mix.

2:42 - Priest skews older. This isn't CBS. Maybe Taylor Lautner instead?

11:14 - I'm not even sure what's been happening for the past few minutes here. A lot of redundant sitting and standing. Can we cut it down to one kneel and one stand?

19:31 - At the "Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again" can we specify WHEN Christ will come again with some tune-in info? Good promo opportunity.

25:33 - This homily can be cut waaaaay down. What is he even talking about here? Jesus died for our sins? That's Easter. Need to keep this focused on Christmas -- get in and get out.

41:55 - "Let Us Proclaim The Mystery of Faith" - Can we make sure he says this, not sings it? Too expensive to license.

44:01 - Blood of Christ? Think people will be creeped out by this. Can't we just call it a nice pinot?

57:32 - Get out here. Think Communion is the strongest ending. No need to drag it on with the last scene about "going in peace", etc. Maybe as a credit bed instead?

In the 'How NOT to get a job department'...

2009-08-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

A young woman, about 26, came in to interview with a seasoned EP (20 years in the business) and a SP (with 11 years on the network and production company side). The young woman was more than qualified for the AP position she was meeting on. She should have been a shoe-in. We're a small team on this new series and personality was important. Her interview was painful. It went a little like this:

She answered each question 'yes' or 'no.' She had experience in both field and story and when asked, 'which do you prefer?' she answered, "both." When asked, 'what are you passionate about, what gets you out of bed in the morning?" Answer: my job. Question: "Do you know how to shoot?" Answer: "Yes." And so on. It was disappointing.

She called me first thing in the morning the next day to ask if she had gotten the job and I said, "we haven't made a final decision yet but would you mind if I gave you some constructive criticism?" She said okay and I said, in a nice tone of voice (three people were siting in my office at the time) "you are more than qualified for this position but you didn't show any enthusiasm or passion for the job. And you answered everything yes or no so it seemed like you didn't want to work for us. You didn't sell yourself" She answered, "I don't need to sell myself. I work for the same people every time and I do my job and that's that." "Okay," said I. "I'll let you know by the end of the week." But for her, it was far from over as I received the following email the next day. This is a small business, people, and we all know everyone. Why on Earth would you burn a bridge like this? And for such a young girl. Poor thing. Parents, teach your children well.

Hello,

I would like to withdraw myself from any consideration on this project. I have to say, I was quite perplexed by your statement that I did not "sell myself at all" during the interview. Your version of "constructive criticism" was neither constructive, nor appropriate. Your comments honestly make me think you must be confusing me with another person because they were completely inaccurate and not to mention completely incongruous with the "supervising producer" role that I have known for all my years in this business. Your lack of professionalism and obvious lack of experience greatly overshadow your rank. For future reference, when looking to hire a highly overqualified individual for a position like this and offering a pay cut as well as a title cut, you may want to reconsider offering uncouth advice.

Best,

EP 312 S&P/Legal Notes

2008-10-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

We have reviewed episode 312 and have the following S&P/Legal notes:

Do we have a release for the host?

3:47 - "Compton carwash" and "upsidedown top hat" -- don't know what this means but sounds dirty. Please bleep.

5:09 - In "Turrets" sketch, bleep ASSFUCK, MOTHERFUCKING, ASS, FUCKING, and COCKSUCKING in "I'm gonna assfuck you in your motherfucking gaping ass you fucking cocksucking whiny dick." Also, is DICK referring to character being a detective? Doesn't seem to be wearing trench coat or solving crimes. If not, please bleep DICK.

13:51 - Bleep JESUS CHRIST in "Jesus Christ! We need to kill Mohammed. That would really show the Muslims."

16:19 - Please add disclaimer to "Second Coming" bit to indicate "Not real Jesus. Religious figure depicted by actor."

20:14 - In "Shove it up your asshole, asshole!" bleep first ASSHOLE because it refers to body part.

27:44 - In the "Bikini Baby Serial Killer" sketch, when girl is stabbing baby in the eye we see a little bit too much cleavage. Please blur girl's entire torso just to be safe. Also, do we have release for the baby?

JOB POSTING: New Reality TV series looking for ONLY THE BEST Story Producers! Strong story sense is a plus.

2008-07-22T17:56:00.001-07:00

You must be available to begin Monday, however, production might not start for another 2, 3, or even 4 weeks from now. Just keep your schedule clear and be ready when we call you. If, after the interview, you don’t hear from us, that means that you may or may not have gotten the job. If you call us wondering if you got the job, we will not return your call until the day we need you. If you are lucky enough to get the job, you’ll sign a contract granting us the right to sue you if you quit, and the right to fire you without notice.

The budget for this show is really small, so don’t expect to get the same rate you’re accustomed to getting on other Reality shows. They may have told you the same thing when you took those shows, but we’re serious, our budget is really, really small. But, it’s a long gig, and it’s a big, high-concept show for one of the big-three networks, with millions and millions of dollars already sunk into promotion. So, if it doesn’t get cancelled after the first week, it’ll be great to have on your resume.

There are currently 10 executive producers, all taking a handsome share off the top for themselves, and a few more may get a piece before we go into production. So there’s not much money left right now, and we need to spread it really thin. The Network has also promised the Line Producer a percentage of whatever is left over if he brings it in under budget. So if you find that you need a pick-up scene, or a late-night camera operator, you should know right now that the Line Producer will consider that an attempt on your part to take his money.

You’ll be in the field for the shoot, then in post where you’ll do your own string-outs. These are one-hour episodes, but may become 90-minute or 2-hour episodes, depending on how long the strike continues. Regardless, you’ll have 5 days to finish the rough-cut. For each episode the creative executive of the company will give you a round of notes before it goes to the executive of the company we’ve partnered with. Then you’ll do a round of notes from the show creator and his wife, before the Network gives their notes. Just don’t contradict any Network notes, because ultimately their notes are the only ones that matter.

Email your resume ASAP.

It's like all anyone sees me as is some sort of...assistant.

2008-07-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

by Adam Turner, ASSISTANT EDITOR

If I have to do one more fucking audio pass, I'm seriously gonna shoot someone. It's like all anyone sees me as is some sort of...assistant.

I mean if it's not an audio pass, it's a graphics pass. Or finding some stupid sound effect. Or digitizing a tape.

I've gotta tell you, when I first got here, it was one thing. I was new, this was my first shot at being an assistant editor. I could see why they'd expect me to do this stuff. But I've been here for six months now and my career doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I want to be an editor, not an AE forever!

My editors are real dicks. At first, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't realize that they were being too demanding. But then I tried to give them the hint. I started sighing loudly, responding sarcastically, and sometimes, not even doing what they asked me to do in the first place. You'd think that would have made it clear that I don't expect to be treated like an assistant!!

But they never stop. Every day, it's some new task. I gotta tell you, if they keep acting like this, I'm not sure if I even want to be associated with editors. I may just skip it and go straight to show running.

I'm Just Doing Reality TV To Get Into Features

2008-04-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

by STEVE ZORROW, REALITY TV EDITOR

I can't fucking stand reality TV. But it's cool because I'm just doing this to get into features.

I can be realistic. You don't just walk out of USC film school and onto the set of a feature. Unless you're that asshole John Chu. God I hate that lucky fucking prick. But that sort of thing isn't about talent, it's just hype.

Anyway, the rest of us obviously have to get jobs to pay the bills before we get our big break. Personally, I think it's better to get some life experience before you start directing features. I wouldn't want to be Jon Chu even if someone did offer me a chance to direct right out of school. I would rather be working in reality TV than directing fucking Step Up 2: The Streets. I mean seriously, what kind of life experience does that guy bring to his films when he went right from school to directing?

Whatever, that's not the point. The point is that most people end up getting some lame job doing script coverage or even selling insurance or something while they try to "make it". But I decided to do something that will actually benefit me when I'm directing major feature films. Editing reality TV.

I know a lot of people like to act like reality isn't "real" storytelling, but the reality is that it's actually a lot harder to be an editor for reality TV than anything else (including features). As an editor, I'm basically creating the story from scratch. I can make it seem like anything I want is happening. I'm shaping the story, just like a feature director.

To be honest, I just feel sorry for some of the people that I work with because they're going to be stuck doing this for the rest of their lives. I, on the other hand, am just going to do this for another year or so to make some money to do my short film, and then I am out of here. See ya later suckers!!!

I was originally going to do my short this summer, but with my new BMW and condo, money has been a little tight. The new plan is to just edit until April of next year (June or July max) and then do my short film. The only thing I really have left to do is write the script. It's just hard to find the time to write right now because I'm really busy editing this show about people competing to be the best dog groomer in America.

Anyway, I guess I should just try and appreciate what it's like to still have a somewhat normal life while I have it. Once I start directing features next year, everything's going to get a whole lot crazier, that's for sure. I need to enjoy hanging out with my friends while I've still got the time!

You know, I really should work on that script tonight. And I have to string out the sizzle reel for the show I'm pitching about America's best guitar maker. And start prepping a Comedy Central show I'm working on that makes fun of reality shows. But first I need to finish cutting this challenge with the dog psychic.

Sometimes I'm amazed by how many irons I have in the fire at once. I'd like to see Jon Chu be able to do that.

It's perfect, we just have a few thoughts

2008-04-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

by RALPH DIXON, REALITY SHOW/NETWORK EXEC

***108 Locked Cut Notes***

Great work on the Locked Cut. We really think all of the changes that we talked about helped solidify this episode. Thanks for doing such a great job with all our notes. It's perfect.

A few thoughts...

Overall, we're now worried that the story is a little depressing. I showed my wife the cut last night and she said she felt sad for the guy because he's in a wheelchair. I know we originally talked about the wheelchair angle, but now thinking it might be too much of a downer. Any way to cut around it? (we still have the black guy episode so we're covered from a diversity standpoint) Maybe closeups or low angle shots. Take a look. (we can still play him as paralyzed later obviously, I think it's just the wheelchair itself that's such a bummer to see)

Also, any way to mine for better comedy moments? Thinking maybe a laugh here or there would really go a long way. Go back and take another look at the raw footage and see if there's anything we're missing. While you're looking, just keep an eye out for any other great moments we might have missed in general. We always like as many great moments as possible!!!

About 8 minutes in Tim says "I can't wait to show it to you guys." Doesn't seem like something he'd say. Does he ever say "ya'll"? Would be nice to give it more southern flavor -- really play the cowboy angle -- since he lives in Texas.

Also I know we asked for more country flavor with the music, but personally country music just kills me and I now HATE the music in this episode. Any way to still give it a country feel without using actual country music?

BTW, had a marketing meeting this morning and feeling on our end is that Joe Sixpack in Kansas might react negatively to the fact that Tim is divorced with kids. Any way to cheat his new girlfiend as his wife? Maybe you can frankenbite something and just lower-third her as his wife. She doesn't have to be in there a lot, but just enough so we get that he's a family guy.

Love the new build up to the skydiving, but any way to amp the danger up a bit more? The safety briefing scene almost makes it seem too squared away. Does anyone ever mention how a parachute hasn't opened before or how he has a greater risk of dying because of being paralyzed? Obviously we don't want him to get hurt in the end, but always nice to add a sense of risk. If we don't have that, can we just ADR it?

Our tech people need the show by Monday in order to prep it for air Wednesday. How long will these changes take? Would love if you could online/FedEx tomorrow.

Feel free to call with questions. I will be skiing this weekend, but my assistant can help you with anything you need. I think we're getting really close...

RD

Even though I've never used an iPhone, the iPhone is a piece of shit

2007-10-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

by MARTY ROSS, LITERARY AGENT

You're thinking about getting the iPhone?

Don't! One word: overrated. It's a total piece of shit. The keyboard is, like, impossible to use. And the call quality is not even that good. This thing is still supposed to be a phone, right?

No, I don't own one, but I know a lot of people who do. My assistant just got one.

And while I haven't used one in a hands-on sense, per se, I have seen people use it and have read lots of articles about it online. And man does that call quality suck!

Is what I am told.

Plus the battery life is terrible. I'm pretty sure I read that on a blog. The thing is always running out of power at the most inopportune times -- is what I can only assume I would say if I owned one of those things.

And my buddy, who works at the Apple store (so he should know) says that it's 2.5G. Which is not nearly enough Gs for me. I prefer 7-8 Gs, but at least 5 in a pinch. Why should I have to settle -- for $400 no less?

But hey, it's your money. Who am I to say anything, right?

Those are some complicated shoes

2007-06-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

by ANTHONY HURTE, AMERICAN AUTEUR

KNOCK KNOCK

"Who the hell are you?"

"Just kidding. Come in."

Ha! Gotcha good! Just a harmless little prank to break the ice; or maybe I did it to make you, the nervous interviewee, even more uncomfortable. Well, if you're going to be my personal assistant, you better get used to a few curveballs, because they'll be coming in fast, low and inside.

"Let's go out back to the guest house. Do you want anything to drink? You sure? This is Marcello."

That's right, I named my goldfish Marcello. What better way to celebrate the most charismatic actor of European cinema than to name my pet after him? It also lets guests know that I'm a consummate cinephile. See? My kitchen is papered with Italian movie posters. I may owe my success to a clever, low-brow high school comedy, but I have my sights set higher; I'm an American neo-realist deconstructing the modern everyman's experience, his alienation, his angst, his oh-so-hilarious shortcomings. I was just at Cannes… Anyway, I'd introduce you to my cat, De Sica, but he's probably upstairs taking care of business in his litter box.

"Could I bother you to take your shoes off?"

I'm really sorry. My new wife, she's Asian, and she insists. Plus, this is where I do all my writing. It's my shrine, if you will. I think it's a nice tradition anyway, though it may seem impractical, since you'll only be in here for ten minutes, tops. Wow, those are really complicated shoes. How long is it going to take for you to take them off?

"Wow, those are really complicated shoes…"

"I know; I was wearing them to impress you." What did you mean by that? Was that a little self-deprecating humor? Turning my back-handed observation on itself… Listen guy, I'm the comedy writer, I'm the one who makes the jokes here. You're not scoring any points.

Let me take a look at your resume anyway, not that job qualifications are a concern, since your job will mostly consist of running my daily errands, like picking up Johnny Cat from the Ralphs that's a block away, and feeding (but not overfeeding) Marcello.

"Why are you interested in becoming a personal assistant?"

Tough question, and I really enjoy asking it. There's no right answer: if you are interested in becoming a personal assistant, you're probably a star-fucking idiot; if you're not, why the fuck would you be here? I guess the income could be motivation enough… and the opportunity to be part of the inner circle of an American auteur (me).

"I see that you worked at Universal. What did you do there?"

Post production? Checking print after print of summer a summer blockbuster? I like that you threw in a comparison to the Clockwork Orange indoctrination sequence. "Not Ludwig Von!" I love Kubrick. I'm a cinephile.

But wait! Hold on! That blockbuster you're complaining about: I co-wrote it. Good thing I asked you to take your shoes off, because you just put your foot in your mouth!

"You know that Jim and I worked on that?"

Oh. You did know. So you were just bringing that movie up to let me know that you knew that I wasn't above Hollywood hackwork, even though I fancy myself an auteur, and a cinephile. This is not going well… for you I mean…

"Well, if you do end up coming on board, your job is going to get pretty demanding pretty fast. I just came back from a couple festivals, and there's been a lot of Oscar talk surrounding the movie, I think it's all getting a little ridiculous…"

I sometimes wonder whether my humility comes across as arrogant…

"And on top of that, I'm going to start prepping my next film. And I just got married… So you'll be busy. When we start shooting, you'll be busier."

That's assuming that I'll hire you, which at this point seems rather unlikely.

"Well, it was nice to meet you. I'll be in touch once I've met with the other candidates."

Fuck. Now he needs to put those goddamn shoes back on.

You have to understand, I'm a lone wolf

2007-05-25T00:51:00.000-07:00

by SAMMY BOND, PROMO PRODUCER

RIIIINNNNG!! RIIINNNG!!

Hello?

Oh... It's for you... No, they didn't say who they were... Hey, while you take that call, I'm just going to check how my stocks are doing... Oh, wait, I did that 15 times this morning. I guess I'll just go check hockey stats again...

Yep. Nothing like hockey stats to demand my complete and total attention. Look how my eyes are locked in on the computer screen... I'm off in my own little world, just pretend I'm not even here.

Hmmm...You're looking over at me. I can see you in my peripheral vision... Gee, I hope you don't think it's awkward that I'm sitting five feet away from you while that HR rep tells you that you're fired...

Click. Click.

I sure hope she doesn't go into too much detail... Like mentioning that I personally requested your termination... By the way you just furrowed your brow I can see that you're confused by this. Yeah, I know we've only been working together for four days and you've been a total pro and hit every deadline no problem, but you have to understand... I'm a lone wolf. I can produce and edit all by myself. I'm the complete package... I'm a like a machine. Cool, steely, unemotional...

Except for where it comes to my family. Man, I love my family. And they love hockey too, just like me! See how they're always in hockey shirts and/or at a game in every single picture I have up on the wall? Yeah, I'm really grateful for this comfortable salary so that I can support them and their hockey habit...

Hey, that brings up an interesting question - you didn't need the money this job was bringing in, did you? I mean, you're a young guy... You probably have a nice cushion to fall back on... Some savings? By how deeply your face is flushing I'm guessing that's a no.

Well, even then, you have to admit, it makes sense. I mean, when you think about it, what's more important, you keeping the best paying job you've ever had or me essentially blacklisting you at this company just because I wanna produce and edit myself? Lone wolf remember?

Now you're holding the phone out to me. I won't look up. No, I'm just take it from you and put it back in the cradle. Oops. Caught another glimpse of your face by accident... Wait... Are you holding back tears? You really do look awfully flushed... You can't possibly humiliated and angry right now... I mean, I've never been fired, so I wouldn't know... But jeez... Wait! I know what'll calm you down...

"'Sup?"

See how calmly I said that? I'm showing you how this is no big deal for me. Doesn't the casual way I posed that question make one of the worst days of your life seem just a little brighter?

Why are you still staring at me?! Ah fuck it, if you're not going to be cool about this, I'm going to lunch. Later dude. Oh, and don't leave any of your shit here at the end of the day.

Oh, and you are staying till the end of the day right? I gotta cut out early to take my kid to hockey practice, so, if it's all the same to you - lone wolf with strike tomorrow. Thanks. And best of luck in whatever.

TRANSCRIPT from LA Based College Radio Station

2007-05-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

COLLEGE RADIO HOST: Welcome to “Let’s do Lunch” – a college student’s window into Hollywood. Today we have producer Bruce Millings. Welcome Bruce. Thanks for stopping by.

BRUCE: Happy to be here.

HOST: Let’s say one of our graduating seniors wanted to work in your production company, what advice would you give them?

BRUCE: My number one tip: be a girl.

HOST: Be a girl?

BRUCE: Yes. Be a girl. I only hire female assistants. But before you go all Gloria Steinem on me, I’m not sexist. I’m the opposite of whatever sexist is. I think women are great. They’re so much better at doing assistant stuff, like opening my soda can.

HOST: I don’t see how gender fits into opening a can of soda.

BRUCE: Do you know how hard it is for a man to open a soda can? No nails. Can’t do it.

HOST: Why don’t you buy plastic bottles with screw-tops? Anyone can open those.

BRUCE: That’s besides the point.

HOST: But that is the –

BRUCE: It’s not just the cans of Diet Dr. Pepper. It’s other things too, like when I need my anal suppositories picked up from the pharmacy, a woman can handle it with the discretion that is needed.

HOST: I guess you don’t need to be discreet about it now.

BRUCE: Ahh, but yes I do, for I haven’t told you what the suppositories are for.

HOST: So… then… how did you get your start?

BRUCE: It was rough. My dad was running a studio at the time, so I had to start out as a junior creative executive.

HOST: So you were never an assistant.

BRUCE: No and I think that’s what makes me such a good boss.

HOST: Okay - Looks like we have to take a commercial break.

BRUCE: I just want to say to those kids out there, stick it out. I was you once, and look where I am know. Goes to show anyone can do it if you have the right dad or great boobs!

HOST: Thanks Bruce.

BRUCE: My pleasure.

HOST: Stay tuned for our next guest, Background Actor on Scrubs, Alumni Lyle Covington.

ATTN Nighttime Assistant Editors: Does my keyboard look like a bar of soap? Then why is your pubic hair on it?

2007-05-23T01:39:00.000-07:00

by JIMMY THE GERM-O-PHOBE, EDITOR

I almost missed it. It was curled up in a semi-figure 8 pattern on, of all keys, my number 8 key - so you can understand how I almost didn't see it.

Luckily I don't use the #8 key much, and I appreciate that you didn't put in on the J, K, or L keys, cuz I use those a lot, and probably would've touched your pubic hair...that was on my keyboard.

I'm sure you're going to tell me it was an accident, but before you do, there is something you should know...I too have pubic hair and have never "accidentally had one leap out of my pants onto another man's keyboard" mostly because I choose not to rub my nuts while I'm at work. Because, let's be honest, that's the only way it could've gotten from your balls to my keyboard.

Which got me thinking, how many other mornings have I come in and started working, paused to pick up my bagel or apple and taken a bite, and then put my hands right back down onto the keyboard that you had been touching, right after you had been touching your nuts, only a few hours prior? 5 times? 10 times? 50 times?

Furthermore, you are working on a show about fat people running on treadmills. This is the show material that makes you want to put your hands down your pants?

Of course, there is one other explanation, and that is that you are resting your balls directly on my keyboard. Which, if that's the case, I'm really starting to get concerned about other items in my bay. I seriously don't want to touch anything now. Just remember, they call this clicky thing the "mouse" and not the "gerbil" - for the sake of both of us, don't get them confused.

How about you stay late tonight because, even though I won’t be in tomorrow, I would love if you could have them done by tomorrow

2007-05-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

by CECI McMILLON, LITERARY AGENT

9:17 am

Thanks so much for making these labels for me. A thousand labels doesn’t sound like much, but when you print them all out… Ohhhhh… It seems you’re working off the old list. There’s a revised one. You don’t have it? I must have forgotten to e-mail it to you. My bad! I’ll shoot it on over. It’s twice as long, but you already know the drill, right? So it should be easy this time! I’m gonna go for a walk cause its so beautiful outside. I’ll check back with you in an hour. Thanks.

10:14 am

Just checking up. Doesn’t look like you got very far. It took you a week last time to do the whole list? Ohhhh……I was hoping you could maybe have these done by 2pm. Okay, well just try as hard as you can. You’re doing a great job, by the way. So, I’m gonna close my door. If you need me, knock really hard so I can hear you over the television.

2:00 pm

Look at you Miss Speedy Gonzales. 2pm on the dot. All done. Thanks for working through lunch. Trust me, you should be glad you didn’t go down to the commissary. They were giving out free samples to promote their new lunch menu and I just stuffed myself. Let’s take a look at these things – Ohhhhh… You used the abbreviation CA for California. I wish I had caught that the first time through. If you could go in and spell out California on each one, that would really be great!

No, I didn’t need them done by 2. I just wanted them done by 2 so I could cross it off my list. Let’s compromise. How about you stay late tonight because, even though I won’t be in tomorrow, I would love if you could have them done by tomorrow. You’re the best!

E-MAIL: There's money out there everywhere, you just gotta grab it!

2007-05-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

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To: indiefilmguy@aol.com
From: cp@cpproductions.com

E-MAIL #1:

Hey hey!...great meeting you last week! so glad to get your message re: getting your feature project off the ground and into production! I'm sure i can help no problem. I was thinking of you last night, as a matter of fact. In the next 2 weeks I'm switching back over to film related projects. There's money out there everywhere...you just gotta grab it! TV season is almost done, then I've just got to wrap up this webisode project that I've been working on, and of course that cell phone game-show concept is in ongoing development. For me it's all about working in the future RIGHT NOW. I've made some tremendous contacts through friends. Meet [sic] with paramount guy last night, so we should meet, discuss some termsto [sic] get ready for when I go out.

This weekend is pretty much out, but Tuesday or wednesday works, I have a floating meeting those days, but I'll try to nail it down. Workin' workin' workin'....

-CP

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E-MAIL #2:

hey dude....thanks for sending the script. I did receive it and I have picked it up a few times, and got through about half of it. I've been working with a few people, and here's my thinking on selling a film. Script is important, but will get torn up in the process. Don't get me wrong....it's good to have one, but the pitch is what it is all about. I use a "boarded" technique, with cut outs of people and things to support the "15 cards" I carry with major plot points. Sort of half storyboards/half pop-up-book.

what do you think?

-C-to-the-P

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E-MAIL #3:

my man!....I didn't mean to give you the impression that I didn't like the script, I 'm dislesic [sic], so it's pretty difficult sometimes to digest reading. But I'm able to get to the guys who bankrolled the matrix (partied with their assists last weekend)...same guy sold youtube to google for billions. the guy who sold am-i-hot-or-not.com also owns the Pittsburgh Pirates and is one guy away from me. So if the project were currently in PITCHING FORM for me to pitch it, I could get it to these guys. So it goes! I also work with a group of dentists who look for under 5mil movies to make(they're very picky, but what dentist isn't?). So does this tell you where I'm at? MY Movie is still being written, (I'm not happy with the guys writing it). and I have some new camera equipment that must be developed before I can go out with it.

word up!

-CP

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E-MAIL #4:

hey Bro! things are good. So many meetings, so little time!

If I've not said it before....I think you've got a really great project here. The trailer you put together is top notch... music aside, and maybe a couple of soundbite & copy tweaks. A really saleable concept as is. And in my opinion some rewrites may be in order. Don't be afraid of voice-over.....when it's used right it really works.

Please see attached....this coverage person worked for Universal back in the day (by way of some smaller, very cutting edge companies). I value her opinion. I know....we didn't talk about getting coverage, but I thought I felt very similar and was unsure.....but when I read what she had to say, it was like she was reading my mind and suddenly I knew exactly what I thought. Let me know what you think of all this. And how to proceed.

-CP-3o!

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E-MAIL #5:

Dude! I hope all is well. I wanted to update you. I have a meeting with a Producer on Thursdsay [sic]. I have an outstanding meeting with Paramount to talk about your project. I can take a meeting with a big-time indy producer about your movie, if the other 2 fall through.

By the way, was my deal with you if I help finance, or sell your movie I recieve [sic] a ten percent commition [sic], a producer credit, and 10% back-end? (Of course the credit won't cost you any money!) I'm not sure we ever talked about this, and I forget.

-CP(rogess!)

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E-MAIL #6:

Hello out there!? Haven't heard from you in a while. I'm just emerging from a deal-making bender myself, so things are probably busy for you too. Or maybe you're onto those rewrites!? So many prospects on your project....once I really start telling people about it we'll be up and going in no time! Gimme a buzz and we'll grab a macchiato and chew the fat. I believe in you!

-CP

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E-MAIL #7:

Dude! For some reason the cell number I have for you stopped working. Still haven't heard from you, so update me when you can. Let's talk business. HOLLYWOOD!

-CP

You're gonna make a lot of money once this thing gets distribution

2007-05-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

by TREY SOLOMON, INDIE FILMMAKER

Hey bro, first of all, thanks for reading the script. I think you had some really valid points about it, but for now, we're trying to keep the momentum going forward, so we'll probably just shoot what we have and then sort it out in the editing room.

So aside from your concerns, can I put you down as a yes to work on the project? A lot of people really believe in this thing, and a lot of them are taking huge pay cuts or even working for free. That's how much they believe in this thing!

Wait a second, I didn't even tell you... we're really close to getting Frankie Muniz to play the head of the gang. Not the guy who does the drive by at the beginning, but the guy who shanks the dude in the prison fight at the end of act 2. Man, would that be a big get. And he's perfect for the part.

So let's just assume Frankie's onboard, which means this thing is gonna get a distribution deal, like, yesterday.

Pretty much all the key players in this thing are working for a piece of the back end, and of course we could set the same thing up for you. Let's say it sells for $25 million to The Weinstien Company, and you've got a .5% stake, that's still $125,000. Not bad for a few weeks work, huh?

Man, you're gonna make a lot of money once this thing gets distribution. Anyway, we can get into all the numbers and stuff later. When can you start?

Oh, and you have your own equipment right?

The Sticky Brown Couch

2007-05-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

by JOSH ALLEN, FORMER ASPIRING INTERN

Being a Hollywood intern is pretty much like being a feudal serf. Except not as much fun. The only thing better than being a Hollywood intern is interviewing to be a Hollywood intern. At the time of my one (and only) Hollywood internship interview, I was very disappointed not to be offered the job. But now I realize that rejection was the kindest thing the universe ever did for me. Although when I think back to that fateful day, I have oh-so-many regrets.

Picture it: summer 2003. The back lot of a major Hollywood studio. I wander around said lot for about twenty minutes in a desperate search for the offices of Bob*, a Disgustingly Old Producer. This is after my messenger bag is rifled through by security officer, one of whom thumbed quizzically through my copy of Us Weekly. I finally find the building and step inside, where freshly watered plants and half-empty cups of coffee indicate that humans once lived there. So I take a seat on a hard white block of 1960s plastic that masquerades as a couch. Pretty soon, a really tall Hollywood guy emerges from an office. And walks right past me.

"Excuse me?" I say, hoping that Important Tinseltown Man will find it in his heart to bestow just a meager portion of his oh-so-valuable attention on me.

"Hi," Mr. Celebrity says, surprisingly cordial and flashing a winning, cosmetically enhanced smile.

"Um, I'm supposed to have an interview here with Dave*," I manage to mutter before being melted into a puddle by his bright shiny Star Wattage.

"Oh, he's with someone. I'm sure he'll be right out for you," the man says. And then, just as fast as he appeared, he was gone. Gone forever.

So in an attempt to appear cool and in-the-know, I pass the next ten or fifteen minutes by flipping the latest issue of Premiere magazine. I get through about ten pages before I realize the magazine is upside-down. Soon, two guys emerge from the door right next to the chair I'm sitting in. A leggy blonde follows them out.

"Yeah, so we'll call you," the ugly guy says, and his tone suggests that he'll actually call her.

"Thanks a lot," she says, making sure to give one last flip of the hair before she leaves. She and I share a nice cordial moment.

So I go into the office (which was VERY dimly lit, for some odd reason) and stand around, not exactly knowing what to do at all. The ugly guy, whose name turned out to be Dave*, encouraged me to have a seat and assured me that he and his partner-in-crime, Mike (the shorter, better-looking one) would return shortly. While they are gone, the couch I sit on attempts to eat me. Unlike the marble slab I sat on in the lobby, this couch is made of sticky brown pleather. I start looking around at the wall. It's covered, surprise surprise, in pictures of Disgustingly Old Producer. Disgustingly Old Producer on the set of some big-budget 1950s epic. DOP with Al Pacino (or was it Jack Nicholson?) on the set of some big-budget 1970s crime thriller. DOP walking down Sunset Boulevard with his ex-wife, some pseudo-famous actress. And finally, DOP, old and pockmarked, on the cover of a recent issue of Variety.

Soon enough, the Two Stooges return, and all is well. I can tell very quickly that Mike has never conducted an interview before, which makes me wonder what exactly he was doing in here with the blonde. He has no clue what to ask, so he starts off with the regular bullshit (my thoughts will be in italics):

"So you're a student at USC?"

"Yes," I reply. Says that on my resume.

"So you're a theatre major?"

"All day long," I say, trying to be funny but inadvertently letting the scathing sarcasm in my brain slip out of my mouth. Boy, these questions are tough. Keep 'em comin', cowboy. Then again, Mike did seem really nervous. And as he gazed across the room at me with those big blue eyes, I could tell that he was feeling something he had never felt before. Probably indigestion from lunch.

At this point, Dave takes over the interview. Couldn’t he see the growing connection between me and Mike? Cockblocker. "So tell us why you wanna work for Bob for free."

He's finally stumped me. "Um...well, I've always loved movies, and I do a lot in the theatre, and I've worked at the student television station, and I just wanted a more professional atmosphere."

"Oh, okay. Well, do you know anything about the business, like how a movie gets made?"

"I'm pretty sure I have a beginner's knowledge." I left my TV on Project Greenlight once while I was vacuuming. Does that count?

"So you wanna learn?"

"Sure." Especially if by “learn,” you mean “be chained to the coffeemaker.”

"Well, let me be plain, Josh. Being an intern here...well, it won't be pleasant. Basically, you'll be doing whatever it is we don't want to do. I mean, we need someone who's willing to bring some dog food up to Bob’s house or walk down to CAA and make deliveries. You know, the things we'd rather not do."

"I see." Is the dog food for Bob? “Walk to CAA?” I gulped.

“Of course. Parking on Wilshire is IMPOSSIBLE.” With that, Dave and Mike share a quick, knowing laugh. Then Dave immediately clears his throat, now resuming his bad-hair, all-business demeanor. "Then, after a few months of that, we'll probably get you started doing some coverage. Have you ever covered a script before?"

"No." Unless you’re asking about that time I covered a script in crayon (periwinkle, to be exact). Is that what you mean?

"Well, you'll learn how to do that. But for the first few weeks you probably won't enjoy coming in to work."

"That's understandable." What if I already don't enjoy it?

"But if you wanna learn some of the ins and outs of this business, then this is the place to be. If you don't mind doing A LOT of scut work for free."

"Right." Of course not. Who would mind doing scut work for free? What's that I smell? Oh, right. That's the smell of me not working here.

[meaningless small talk for about twenty minutes]

As I start to doze off, Mike decides it's a good time to wrap up the interview. "Okay, so either way we'll call you," he says. Somehow, I don't get the same sense that he'll actually call me as I did with the blonde. Then again, I don't have blonde hair. Or boobs. Or a hoohah.

"Great. Thanks." I start to get up and freeze. My arm is stuck to the couch. For a moment, the next few years flash before my eyes. Me trying to fit into my Chevy Cavalier with a couch stuck to my arm. Me taking a shower with a couch stuck to my arm. Me in a bar, trying to pick up a girl with a couch stuck to my arm. It is a future too horrible to imagine. After a desperate struggle, a struggle that Mike and Dave watch in horror, I manage to free myself, though I’m pretty sure I’ve left a DNA sample behind.

“It was nice meeting you,” I said, using everything I learned in theatre school to pull off that lie. I’m a really good actor.

“Same here,” says Dave. Unlike me, Dave cannot act. I look at Mike, searching his chiseled face for some glimmer of hope. He can’t meet my gaze. I understand.

"So like I said, we’ll call you,” Dave says, ushering me out of the room with one large sweaty hand. “The last thing we want is someone putting their plans on hold because of us."

"Thanks. That's a relief." Because rest assured, I would be sitting by the phone.

And sit by the phone I did. I really choose not to bore you with the rest, but suffice it to say that I jetted out of that office faster than you can say "Anbesol." Sadly, Mike never called. Promises, promises.

I remember that afternoon fondly. Of course, there are things that won’t leave my memory: Dave’s acne, the alluring shine of Bob’s liquor cabinet, that leggy blonde...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if Mike had actually made that phone call. Occasionally, I see Mike’s name attached to the credits of a major motion picture, and for just a moment, I consider what could have been. And I wonder if he’s thinking of me, too. Mike, if you’re out there, and you read this, know that I forgive you. And I hope you find happiness one day. It’s just too bad I won’t be a part of that happiness. But we’ll always have the summer of 2003 and that sticky brown couch.

*Name changed to protect the innocent

A Celebrity’s Guide: Assistants

2007-05-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

by SUPER FAMOUS PERSON, CELEBRITY

As celebrities, we have the awesome responsibility of having personal assistants. But those assistants don’t come with “user manuals.”

Over the years, I have had many personal assistants and I wanted to pass along a few tips:

1) Giving your assistant clothes you “wouldn’t be caught dead in” is perfectly okay.
2) No request is too big OR too small – whether the house is flooding because you destroyed your toilet in a manic rage or you need the batteries changed in your remote control at 10pm at night, feel free to call your assistant.
3) It is okay to ask an assistant to give up their evening plans in order to sit in your home office, just so you won’t feel lonely. The added bonus is that since they’re in another room, you don’t actually have to talk to them.
4) When receiving thousands and thousands of dollars of free stuff, you are under no obligation to share with your assistant, even if they were the one to have arranged it and picked it up.

When to Fire your assistant:

I usually find the appropriate time to let someone go is when they start to believe the two of you might actually be friends. Yes, you’ve laden them with your deepest, most intimate secrets, called them while you were stranded naked in an alley, and drunkenly told them you loved them. That’s all par for the course. But when they start thinking they might actually have a “real friendship” with you, time to restock.

In the 3 years that I've worked on this show, I've never been asked to do something like this

2007-05-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

by KELLY SWANSON, POST-PRODUCTION COORDINATOR

Hi, I’m Kelly from Post-Production. That’s so sweet you walked this DVD all the way across the lot from the Legal Department. I guess when you say “Urgent”, you mean it!

As I mentioned on the phone, in the 3 years that I’ve worked on this show, I’ve never been asked to identify the ADR Voice Artists.

If they weren’t doing it properly before then why are you changing it? Oh, because the previous way was illegal? Fine. But I don’t think I’ll be of any help to you.

Maybe you should talk to Phillipe over in Contracts. I know he doesn’t deal with ADR, but I still think you should talk to him because in the 3 years that I’ve worked on this show, I’ve never been asked to do something like this.

What does it matter who booked the ADR sessions? I don’t think that’s going to help. I know that because I’m the one who booked the sessions but didn’t keep records of who did what.

Why should I try to remember? What I don’t understand is why you’re asking me, in the 3 years that I’ve worked on this show….

I know you're my boss, but you're a total bitch

2007-05-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

by BRITTNEY WENTWORTH, EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT/COORDINATOR/ASSOCIATE PRODUCER

Thanks a lot for taking the time to meet with me today. I have a few concerns that I want to talk to you about. I know it’s only been a few weeks of us working together but I noticed some major tension yesterday and I want to clear it up.

When you asked me to send a PA on a run to deliver those tapes to the network, I didn’t appreciate your tone AT ALL. I found it condescending and downright rude. I can’t exactly tell you why I think that. And I also feel like you’ve been that way with me in the past, but I can’t remember any examples of where or when or how. I just KNOW that it happened and I don’t like being spoken to in that manner.

I mean, I’ve had five assistant jobs in the last three years so I know. I mean, I know I invited you over for dinner at my house; asked you to help me with my writing and resume; and set me up with those informational interviews but make no mistake. We are acquaintances. We were never friends. Let me repeat that, we were never friends. Sending a package out is beneath me. I mean, I know this is an assistant job, but I’ve been a PA on a movie before. And I can really be an associate producer. And my friend is an actress who hangs out with celebrities so I know this business. I mean, I am 24 and I totally get it.

So I’ve made a decision to not work for you anymore because I think that’s best. And please don’t talk about this with anyone, because I know I won’t because I NEVER gossip. I mean, I have a lot of friends in the office and a lot of them come to ME with their gossip, and I know I used to tell you a lot of confidential things, like what all the executives made, but I would NEVER gossip. I’m totally trustworthy.

I really wish you the best of luck. I’m going to get an AP position next because I think I’m TOTALLY ready. And then I’m going over into scripted. It’s gonna be awesome and I’m so excited.

Thanks again for taking the time.

You want snacks? In POST?!

2007-05-15T14:57:00.002-07:00

by ROB LARSON, LINE PRODUCER

Am I to understand that the post department has been asking for snacks in the kitchen? I assume the coffee machine is still working. And did you see the Diet Rite we had left over from the set? The sponsor must have given us like 50 cases of that stuff, so you can't already be out.

Plus, I just sent a PA out to get you all trail mix last week! I told them to pour it into a little styrofoam bowl for everyone to enjoy. Do I need to talk to them again?

Yes, when we're on the set we have a craft service table with every concievable snack you could think of. Of course we do. I mean where else do you really eat Nutella? Crepe stands and craft service tables.

But that's on the SET. We have to provide people with snacks on the set.

If there were no snacks available, all people would have to eat is the three catered meals a day we provide them. Be it lobster, filet mignon, or both -- that's all these people would be eating!

They don't have the luxury that you people in the office have to walk over to the bagel place, or even that smoothie shop that does the peanut butter and chocolate shake. Unless I've hired a smoothie company to come to the set -- which only happens a couple of times per shoot -- these people are just gonna have to go without a smoothie. Period.

They only wish they had the luxuries you people do!

Okay, okay look. It's not that I don't want to buy you guys food, but the budget is tight! Do you know how much money it cost to have the In-N-Out truck come to the last day of shooting? Or how much we're spending on the wrap party?

No, you're not invited to the wrap party, but you'll obviously be invited to the premiere party -- if we can afford to have one.

How about this? I'll send a PA -- out of my own pocket -- to go pick up one of those big snack packs of chips. They've got all the flavors in there. Barbeque, plain, Fritos. That way there's something for everyone.

And if you need more Diet Rite, let me know. There are still twelve cases in my office.

That's not how we did it at Burnett

2007-05-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

by JEREMY MONTANA, EDITOR

Hey, nice to meet ya. I'm Jeremy, I'm cutting 202. Oh you're cutting 201? Nice. I was gonna do the premiere but they held me over at my last job so luckily they found you!

So have you done reality before, or where do you come from? Beauty and the Geek? Oh yeah that's that UPN show. Oh, CW...right. I really don't watch TV so I don't know what's on where.

So we each cut half of the show and our partner cuts the other half? No, it's no big deal, that's just not how we did it at Burnett.

Yeah, I just got done cutting Apprentice. We'd have like ten editors per episode. But I'm sure this way will work too.

By the way, where is the audio from the lav mics? Oh, it's not grouped with the multicam footage? Yeah, cuz at Burnett they group it all which makes it really easy.

So are you just doing this episode or are you doing another? I'm supposed to do 206 too, but I have a lot of pitches in the works right now, so if one of them gets picked up I might not be here for that. I just met with a bunch of people last week, let's see...Freemantle, NBC, Spike, CBS...was it CBS? I can't even remember now. Anyway, lots of interest.

Cool, well anyway, I'm gonna start looking at my stringout. Just holler if you need any help with anything.

Luckily for you, I'm an AP who used to be an editor

2007-05-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

by AMY VAN NEWSOME, ASSOCIATE PRODUCER

Oh, hi are you one of my editors? Hi, I'm Amy and I'm your producer. Well, technically associate producer. But I mean, po-tay-to, po-tah-to, right?

Anyhoo, it's really nice to meet you and I'm super excited to have you working for me. You're really going to like our workflow because I used to be an editor like you. You see, I owned my own wedding video business. So I know all the lingo and shorthand.

For instance, while another producer might say "Go forward to the part with the gobdeleegook" I can say, "Scroll forward and trim 2 frames." How convien! Oh that's short for convient, by the way. Sometimes I just don't have time for full words. I LOVE to abbrev!

So let me see what you have cut so far... Oh, this is good. Wow, nice L-cut! I'd like to see any other producer that knows what an L-cut is.

Oh, and I liked that part too! Let me just go back and look at that. By the way, I have to warn you, I'm a grabber! Sometimes I just like to grab the mouse and do it myself, because as an accomplished editor, it's usually faster if I just do it myself than if I explain it to you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking down on editors. Like I said, I used to be one! It's just that I feel like I'm more suited to being in charge of the big picture. Which is why I jumped up to this AP position.

Why won't you open, bin? Hello binny binny binny! Why are you hiding?

Oh, I'm just talking to the computer. We all do that, don't we? Sometimes I'm just like "I'm gonna get you, whoa where do you think you're going?" when this darn computer doesn't want to cooperate!

Anyway, I've got to get back to surfing the net while you figure this mess out, but don't hesitate to call me if you need anything. But I'll be at lunch for the next two hours so call after that.