We have reviewed episode 312 and have the following S&P/Legal notes:
Do we have a release for the host?
3:47 - "Compton carwash" and "upsidedown top hat" -- don't know what this means but sounds dirty. Please bleep.
5:09 - In "Turrets" sketch, bleep ASSFUCK, MOTHERFUCKING, ASS, FUCKING, and COCKSUCKING in "I'm gonna assfuck you in your motherfucking gaping ass you fucking cocksucking whiny dick." Also, is DICK referring to character being a detective? Doesn't seem to be wearing trench coat or solving crimes. If not, please bleep DICK.
13:51 - Bleep JESUS CHRIST in "Jesus Christ! We need to kill Mohammed. That would really show the Muslims."
16:19 - Please add disclaimer to "Second Coming" bit to indicate "Not real Jesus. Religious figure depicted by actor."
20:14 - In "Shove it up your asshole, asshole!" bleep first ASSHOLE because it refers to body part.
27:44 - In the "Bikini Baby Serial Killer" sketch, when girl is stabbing baby in the eye we see a little bit too much cleavage. Please blur girl's entire torso just to be safe. Also, do we have release for the baby?
JOB POSTING: New Reality TV series looking for ONLY THE BEST Story Producers! Strong story sense is a plus.
You must be available to begin Monday, however, production might not start for another 2, 3, or even 4 weeks from now. Just keep your schedule clear and be ready when we call you. If, after the interview, you don’t hear from us, that means that you may or may not have gotten the job. If you call us wondering if you got the job, we will not return your call until the day we need you. If you are lucky enough to get the job, you’ll sign a contract granting us the right to sue you if you quit, and the right to fire you without notice.
The budget for this show is really small, so don’t expect to get the same rate you’re accustomed to getting on other Reality shows. They may have told you the same thing when you took those shows, but we’re serious, our budget is really, really small. But, it’s a long gig, and it’s a big, high-concept show for one of the big-three networks, with millions and millions of dollars already sunk into promotion. So, if it doesn’t get cancelled after the first week, it’ll be great to have on your resume.
There are currently 10 executive producers, all taking a handsome share off the top for themselves, and a few more may get a piece before we go into production. So there’s not much money left right now, and we need to spread it really thin. The Network has also promised the Line Producer a percentage of whatever is left over if he brings it in under budget. So if you find that you need a pick-up scene, or a late-night camera operator, you should know right now that the Line Producer will consider that an attempt on your part to take his money.
You’ll be in the field for the shoot, then in post where you’ll do your own string-outs. These are one-hour episodes, but may become 90-minute or 2-hour episodes, depending on how long the strike continues. Regardless, you’ll have 5 days to finish the rough-cut. For each episode the creative executive of the company will give you a round of notes before it goes to the executive of the company we’ve partnered with. Then you’ll do a round of notes from the show creator and his wife, before the Network gives their notes. Just don’t contradict any Network notes, because ultimately their notes are the only ones that matter.
Email your resume ASAP.
The budget for this show is really small, so don’t expect to get the same rate you’re accustomed to getting on other Reality shows. They may have told you the same thing when you took those shows, but we’re serious, our budget is really, really small. But, it’s a long gig, and it’s a big, high-concept show for one of the big-three networks, with millions and millions of dollars already sunk into promotion. So, if it doesn’t get cancelled after the first week, it’ll be great to have on your resume.
There are currently 10 executive producers, all taking a handsome share off the top for themselves, and a few more may get a piece before we go into production. So there’s not much money left right now, and we need to spread it really thin. The Network has also promised the Line Producer a percentage of whatever is left over if he brings it in under budget. So if you find that you need a pick-up scene, or a late-night camera operator, you should know right now that the Line Producer will consider that an attempt on your part to take his money.
You’ll be in the field for the shoot, then in post where you’ll do your own string-outs. These are one-hour episodes, but may become 90-minute or 2-hour episodes, depending on how long the strike continues. Regardless, you’ll have 5 days to finish the rough-cut. For each episode the creative executive of the company will give you a round of notes before it goes to the executive of the company we’ve partnered with. Then you’ll do a round of notes from the show creator and his wife, before the Network gives their notes. Just don’t contradict any Network notes, because ultimately their notes are the only ones that matter.
Email your resume ASAP.
It's like all anyone sees me as is some sort of...assistant.
by Adam Turner, ASSISTANT EDITOR
If I have to do one more fucking audio pass, I'm seriously gonna shoot someone. It's like all anyone sees me as is some sort of...assistant.
I mean if it's not an audio pass, it's a graphics pass. Or finding some stupid sound effect. Or digitizing a tape.
I've gotta tell you, when I first got here, it was one thing. I was new, this was my first shot at being an assistant editor. I could see why they'd expect me to do this stuff. But I've been here for six months now and my career doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I want to be an editor, not an AE forever!
My editors are real dicks. At first, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't realize that they were being too demanding. But then I tried to give them the hint. I started sighing loudly, responding sarcastically, and sometimes, not even doing what they asked me to do in the first place. You'd think that would have made it clear that I don't expect to be treated like an assistant!!
But they never stop. Every day, it's some new task. I gotta tell you, if they keep acting like this, I'm not sure if I even want to be associated with editors. I may just skip it and go straight to show running.
If I have to do one more fucking audio pass, I'm seriously gonna shoot someone. It's like all anyone sees me as is some sort of...assistant.I mean if it's not an audio pass, it's a graphics pass. Or finding some stupid sound effect. Or digitizing a tape.
I've gotta tell you, when I first got here, it was one thing. I was new, this was my first shot at being an assistant editor. I could see why they'd expect me to do this stuff. But I've been here for six months now and my career doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I want to be an editor, not an AE forever!
My editors are real dicks. At first, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't realize that they were being too demanding. But then I tried to give them the hint. I started sighing loudly, responding sarcastically, and sometimes, not even doing what they asked me to do in the first place. You'd think that would have made it clear that I don't expect to be treated like an assistant!!
But they never stop. Every day, it's some new task. I gotta tell you, if they keep acting like this, I'm not sure if I even want to be associated with editors. I may just skip it and go straight to show running.
I'm Just Doing Reality TV To Get Into Features
by STEVE ZORROW, REALITY TV EDITOR
I can't fucking stand reality TV. But it's cool because I'm just doing this to get into features.
I can be realistic. You don't just walk out of USC film school and onto the set of a feature. Unless you're that asshole John Chu. God I hate that lucky fucking prick. But that sort of thing isn't about talent, it's just hype.
Anyway, the rest of us obviously have to get jobs to pay the bills before we get our big break. Personally, I think it's better to get some life experience before you start directing features. I wouldn't want to be Jon Chu even if someone did offer me a chance to direct right out of school. I would rather be working in reality TV than directing fucking Step Up 2: The Streets. I mean seriously, what kind of life experience does that guy bring to his films when he went right from school to directing?
Whatever, that's not the point. The point is that most people end up getting some lame job doing script coverage or even selling insurance or something while they try to "make it". But I decided to do something that will actually benefit me when I'm directing major feature films. Editing reality TV.
I know a lot of people like to act like reality isn't "real" storytelling, but the reality is that it's actually a lot harder to be an editor for reality TV than anything else (including features). As an editor, I'm basically creating the story from scratch. I can make it seem like anything I want is happening. I'm shaping the story, just like a feature director.
To be honest, I just feel sorry for some of the people that I work with because they're going to be stuck doing this for the rest of their lives. I, on the other hand, am just going to do this for another year or so to make some money to do my short film, and then I am out of here. See ya later suckers!!!
I was originally going to do my short this summer, but with my new BMW and condo, money has been a little tight. The new plan is to just edit until April of next year (June or July max) and then do my short film. The only thing I really have left to do is write the script. It's just hard to find the time to write right now because I'm really busy editing this show about people competing to be the best dog groomer in America.
Anyway, I guess I should just try and appreciate what it's like to still have a somewhat normal life while I have it. Once I start directing features next year, everything's going to get a whole lot crazier, that's for sure. I need to enjoy hanging out with my friends while I've still got the time!
You know, I really should work on that script tonight. And I have to string out the sizzle reel for the show I'm pitching about America's best guitar maker. And start prepping a Comedy Central show I'm working on that makes fun of reality shows. But first I need to finish cutting this challenge with the dog psychic.
Sometimes I'm amazed by how many irons I have in the fire at once. I'd like to see Jon Chu be able to do that.
I can't fucking stand reality TV. But it's cool because I'm just doing this to get into features.I can be realistic. You don't just walk out of USC film school and onto the set of a feature. Unless you're that asshole John Chu. God I hate that lucky fucking prick. But that sort of thing isn't about talent, it's just hype.
Anyway, the rest of us obviously have to get jobs to pay the bills before we get our big break. Personally, I think it's better to get some life experience before you start directing features. I wouldn't want to be Jon Chu even if someone did offer me a chance to direct right out of school. I would rather be working in reality TV than directing fucking Step Up 2: The Streets. I mean seriously, what kind of life experience does that guy bring to his films when he went right from school to directing?
Whatever, that's not the point. The point is that most people end up getting some lame job doing script coverage or even selling insurance or something while they try to "make it". But I decided to do something that will actually benefit me when I'm directing major feature films. Editing reality TV.
I know a lot of people like to act like reality isn't "real" storytelling, but the reality is that it's actually a lot harder to be an editor for reality TV than anything else (including features). As an editor, I'm basically creating the story from scratch. I can make it seem like anything I want is happening. I'm shaping the story, just like a feature director.
To be honest, I just feel sorry for some of the people that I work with because they're going to be stuck doing this for the rest of their lives. I, on the other hand, am just going to do this for another year or so to make some money to do my short film, and then I am out of here. See ya later suckers!!!
I was originally going to do my short this summer, but with my new BMW and condo, money has been a little tight. The new plan is to just edit until April of next year (June or July max) and then do my short film. The only thing I really have left to do is write the script. It's just hard to find the time to write right now because I'm really busy editing this show about people competing to be the best dog groomer in America.
Anyway, I guess I should just try and appreciate what it's like to still have a somewhat normal life while I have it. Once I start directing features next year, everything's going to get a whole lot crazier, that's for sure. I need to enjoy hanging out with my friends while I've still got the time!
You know, I really should work on that script tonight. And I have to string out the sizzle reel for the show I'm pitching about America's best guitar maker. And start prepping a Comedy Central show I'm working on that makes fun of reality shows. But first I need to finish cutting this challenge with the dog psychic.
Sometimes I'm amazed by how many irons I have in the fire at once. I'd like to see Jon Chu be able to do that.
It's perfect, we just have a few thoughts
by RALPH DIXON, REALITY SHOW/NETWORK EXEC
***108 Locked Cut Notes***
Great work on the Locked Cut. We really think all of the changes that we talked about helped solidify this episode. Thanks for doing such a great job with all our notes. It's perfect.
A few thoughts...
Overall, we're now worried that the story is a little depressing. I showed my wife the cut last night and she said she felt sad for the guy because he's in a wheelchair. I know we originally talked about the wheelchair angle, but now thinking it might be too much of a downer. Any way to cut around it? (we still have the black guy episode so we're covered from a diversity standpoint) Maybe closeups or low angle shots. Take a look. (we can still play him as paralyzed later obviously, I think it's just the wheelchair itself that's such a bummer to see)
Also, any way to mine for better comedy moments? Thinking maybe a laugh here or there would really go a long way. Go back and take another look at the raw footage and see if there's anything we're missing. While you're looking, just keep an eye out for any other great moments we might have missed in general. We always like as many great moments as possible!!!
About 8 minutes in Tim says "I can't wait to show it to you guys." Doesn't seem like something he'd say. Does he ever say "ya'll"? Would be nice to give it more southern flavor -- really play the cowboy angle -- since he lives in Texas.
Also I know we asked for more country flavor with the music, but personally country music just kills me and I now HATE the music in this episode. Any way to still give it a country feel without using actual country music?
BTW, had a marketing meeting this morning and feeling on our end is that Joe Sixpack in Kansas might react negatively to the fact that Tim is divorced with kids. Any way to cheat his new girlfiend as his wife? Maybe you can frankenbite something and just lower-third her as his wife. She doesn't have to be in there a lot, but just enough so we get that he's a family guy.
Love the new build up to the skydiving, but any way to amp the danger up a bit more? The safety briefing scene almost makes it seem too squared away. Does anyone ever mention how a parachute hasn't opened before or how he has a greater risk of dying because of being paralyzed? Obviously we don't want him to get hurt in the end, but always nice to add a sense of risk. If we don't have that, can we just ADR it?
Our tech people need the show by Monday in order to prep it for air Wednesday. How long will these changes take? Would love if you could online/FedEx tomorrow.
Feel free to call with questions. I will be skiing this weekend, but my assistant can help you with anything you need. I think we're getting really close...
RD
***108 Locked Cut Notes***
Great work on the Locked Cut. We really think all of the changes that we talked about helped solidify this episode. Thanks for doing such a great job with all our notes. It's perfect.
A few thoughts...
Overall, we're now worried that the story is a little depressing. I showed my wife the cut last night and she said she felt sad for the guy because he's in a wheelchair. I know we originally talked about the wheelchair angle, but now thinking it might be too much of a downer. Any way to cut around it? (we still have the black guy episode so we're covered from a diversity standpoint) Maybe closeups or low angle shots. Take a look. (we can still play him as paralyzed later obviously, I think it's just the wheelchair itself that's such a bummer to see)
Also, any way to mine for better comedy moments? Thinking maybe a laugh here or there would really go a long way. Go back and take another look at the raw footage and see if there's anything we're missing. While you're looking, just keep an eye out for any other great moments we might have missed in general. We always like as many great moments as possible!!!
About 8 minutes in Tim says "I can't wait to show it to you guys." Doesn't seem like something he'd say. Does he ever say "ya'll"? Would be nice to give it more southern flavor -- really play the cowboy angle -- since he lives in Texas.
Also I know we asked for more country flavor with the music, but personally country music just kills me and I now HATE the music in this episode. Any way to still give it a country feel without using actual country music?
BTW, had a marketing meeting this morning and feeling on our end is that Joe Sixpack in Kansas might react negatively to the fact that Tim is divorced with kids. Any way to cheat his new girlfiend as his wife? Maybe you can frankenbite something and just lower-third her as his wife. She doesn't have to be in there a lot, but just enough so we get that he's a family guy.
Love the new build up to the skydiving, but any way to amp the danger up a bit more? The safety briefing scene almost makes it seem too squared away. Does anyone ever mention how a parachute hasn't opened before or how he has a greater risk of dying because of being paralyzed? Obviously we don't want him to get hurt in the end, but always nice to add a sense of risk. If we don't have that, can we just ADR it?
Our tech people need the show by Monday in order to prep it for air Wednesday. How long will these changes take? Would love if you could online/FedEx tomorrow.
Feel free to call with questions. I will be skiing this weekend, but my assistant can help you with anything you need. I think we're getting really close...
RD
Even though I've never used an iPhone, the iPhone is a piece of shit
by MARTY ROSS, LITERARY AGENT
You're thinking about getting the iPhone?
Don't! One word: overrated. It's a total piece of shit. The keyboard is, like, impossible to use. And the call quality is not even that good. This thing is still supposed to be a phone, right?
No, I don't own one, but I know a lot of people who do. My assistant just got one.
And while I haven't used one in a hands-on sense, per se, I have seen people use it and have read lots of articles about it online. And man does that call quality suck!
Is what I am told.
Plus the battery life is terrible. I'm pretty sure I read that on a blog. The thing is always running out of power at the most inopportune times -- is what I can only assume I would say if I owned one of those things.
And my buddy, who works at the Apple store (so he should know) says that it's 2.5G. Which is not nearly enough Gs for me. I prefer 7-8 Gs, but at least 5 in a pinch. Why should I have to settle -- for $400 no less?
But hey, it's your money. Who am I to say anything, right?
You're thinking about getting the iPhone? Don't! One word: overrated. It's a total piece of shit. The keyboard is, like, impossible to use. And the call quality is not even that good. This thing is still supposed to be a phone, right?
No, I don't own one, but I know a lot of people who do. My assistant just got one.
And while I haven't used one in a hands-on sense, per se, I have seen people use it and have read lots of articles about it online. And man does that call quality suck!
Is what I am told.
Plus the battery life is terrible. I'm pretty sure I read that on a blog. The thing is always running out of power at the most inopportune times -- is what I can only assume I would say if I owned one of those things.
And my buddy, who works at the Apple store (so he should know) says that it's 2.5G. Which is not nearly enough Gs for me. I prefer 7-8 Gs, but at least 5 in a pinch. Why should I have to settle -- for $400 no less?
But hey, it's your money. Who am I to say anything, right?
Those are some complicated shoes
by ANTHONY HURTE, AMERICAN AUTEUR
KNOCK KNOCK
"Who the hell are you?"
"Just kidding. Come in."
Ha! Gotcha good! Just a harmless little prank to break the ice; or maybe I did it to make you, the nervous interviewee, even more uncomfortable. Well, if you're going to be my personal assistant, you better get used to a few curveballs, because they'll be coming in fast, low and inside.
"Let's go out back to the guest house. Do you want anything to drink? You sure? This is Marcello."
That's right, I named my goldfish Marcello. What better way to celebrate the most charismatic actor of European cinema than to name my pet after him? It also lets guests know that I'm a consummate cinephile. See? My kitchen is papered with Italian movie posters. I may owe my success to a clever, low-brow high school comedy, but I have my sights set higher; I'm an American neo-realist deconstructing the modern everyman's experience, his alienation, his angst, his oh-so-hilarious shortcomings. I was just at Cannes… Anyway, I'd introduce you to my cat, De Sica, but he's probably upstairs taking care of business in his litter box.
"Could I bother you to take your shoes off?"
I'm really sorry. My new wife, she's Asian, and she insists. Plus, this is where I do all my writing. It's my shrine, if you will. I think it's a nice tradition anyway, though it may seem impractical, since you'll only be in here for ten minutes, tops. Wow, those are really complicated shoes. How long is it going to take for you to take them off?
"Wow, those are really complicated shoes…"
"I know; I was wearing them to impress you." What did you mean by that? Was that a little self-deprecating humor? Turning my back-handed observation on itself… Listen guy, I'm the comedy writer, I'm the one who makes the jokes here. You're not scoring any points.
Let me take a look at your resume anyway, not that job qualifications are a concern, since your job will mostly consist of running my daily errands, like picking up Johnny Cat from the Ralphs that's a block away, and feeding (but not overfeeding) Marcello.
"Why are you interested in becoming a personal assistant?"
Tough question, and I really enjoy asking it. There's no right answer: if you are interested in becoming a personal assistant, you're probably a star-fucking idiot; if you're not, why the fuck would you be here? I guess the income could be motivation enough… and the opportunity to be part of the inner circle of an American auteur (me).
"I see that you worked at Universal. What did you do there?"
Post production? Checking print after print of summer a summer blockbuster? I like that you threw in a comparison to the Clockwork Orange indoctrination sequence. "Not Ludwig Von!" I love Kubrick. I'm a cinephile.
But wait! Hold on! That blockbuster you're complaining about: I co-wrote it. Good thing I asked you to take your shoes off, because you just put your foot in your mouth!
"You know that Jim and I worked on that?"
Oh. You did know. So you were just bringing that movie up to let me know that you knew that I wasn't above Hollywood hackwork, even though I fancy myself an auteur, and a cinephile. This is not going well… for you I mean…
"Well, if you do end up coming on board, your job is going to get pretty demanding pretty fast. I just came back from a couple festivals, and there's been a lot of Oscar talk surrounding the movie, I think it's all getting a little ridiculous…"
I sometimes wonder whether my humility comes across as arrogant…
"And on top of that, I'm going to start prepping my next film. And I just got married… So you'll be busy. When we start shooting, you'll be busier."
That's assuming that I'll hire you, which at this point seems rather unlikely.
"Well, it was nice to meet you. I'll be in touch once I've met with the other candidates."
Fuck. Now he needs to put those goddamn shoes back on.
KNOCK KNOCK"Who the hell are you?"
"Just kidding. Come in."
Ha! Gotcha good! Just a harmless little prank to break the ice; or maybe I did it to make you, the nervous interviewee, even more uncomfortable. Well, if you're going to be my personal assistant, you better get used to a few curveballs, because they'll be coming in fast, low and inside.
"Let's go out back to the guest house. Do you want anything to drink? You sure? This is Marcello."
That's right, I named my goldfish Marcello. What better way to celebrate the most charismatic actor of European cinema than to name my pet after him? It also lets guests know that I'm a consummate cinephile. See? My kitchen is papered with Italian movie posters. I may owe my success to a clever, low-brow high school comedy, but I have my sights set higher; I'm an American neo-realist deconstructing the modern everyman's experience, his alienation, his angst, his oh-so-hilarious shortcomings. I was just at Cannes… Anyway, I'd introduce you to my cat, De Sica, but he's probably upstairs taking care of business in his litter box.
"Could I bother you to take your shoes off?"
I'm really sorry. My new wife, she's Asian, and she insists. Plus, this is where I do all my writing. It's my shrine, if you will. I think it's a nice tradition anyway, though it may seem impractical, since you'll only be in here for ten minutes, tops. Wow, those are really complicated shoes. How long is it going to take for you to take them off?
"Wow, those are really complicated shoes…"
"I know; I was wearing them to impress you." What did you mean by that? Was that a little self-deprecating humor? Turning my back-handed observation on itself… Listen guy, I'm the comedy writer, I'm the one who makes the jokes here. You're not scoring any points.
Let me take a look at your resume anyway, not that job qualifications are a concern, since your job will mostly consist of running my daily errands, like picking up Johnny Cat from the Ralphs that's a block away, and feeding (but not overfeeding) Marcello.
"Why are you interested in becoming a personal assistant?"
Tough question, and I really enjoy asking it. There's no right answer: if you are interested in becoming a personal assistant, you're probably a star-fucking idiot; if you're not, why the fuck would you be here? I guess the income could be motivation enough… and the opportunity to be part of the inner circle of an American auteur (me).
"I see that you worked at Universal. What did you do there?"
Post production? Checking print after print of summer a summer blockbuster? I like that you threw in a comparison to the Clockwork Orange indoctrination sequence. "Not Ludwig Von!" I love Kubrick. I'm a cinephile.
But wait! Hold on! That blockbuster you're complaining about: I co-wrote it. Good thing I asked you to take your shoes off, because you just put your foot in your mouth!
"You know that Jim and I worked on that?"
Oh. You did know. So you were just bringing that movie up to let me know that you knew that I wasn't above Hollywood hackwork, even though I fancy myself an auteur, and a cinephile. This is not going well… for you I mean…
"Well, if you do end up coming on board, your job is going to get pretty demanding pretty fast. I just came back from a couple festivals, and there's been a lot of Oscar talk surrounding the movie, I think it's all getting a little ridiculous…"
I sometimes wonder whether my humility comes across as arrogant…
"And on top of that, I'm going to start prepping my next film. And I just got married… So you'll be busy. When we start shooting, you'll be busier."
That's assuming that I'll hire you, which at this point seems rather unlikely.
"Well, it was nice to meet you. I'll be in touch once I've met with the other candidates."
Fuck. Now he needs to put those goddamn shoes back on.
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