Even though I've never used an iPhone, the iPhone is a piece of shit

by MARTY ROSS, LITERARY AGENT

You're thinking about getting the iPhone?

Don't! One word: overrated. It's a total piece of shit. The keyboard is, like, impossible to use. And the call quality is not even that good. This thing is still supposed to be a phone, right?

No, I don't own one, but I know a lot of people who do. My assistant just got one.

And while I haven't used one in a hands-on sense, per se, I have seen people use it and have read lots of articles about it online. And man does that call quality suck!

Is what I am told.

Plus the battery life is terrible. I'm pretty sure I read that on a blog. The thing is always running out of power at the most inopportune times -- is what I can only assume I would say if I owned one of those things.

And my buddy, who works at the Apple store (so he should know) says that it's 2.5G. Which is not nearly enough Gs for me. I prefer 7-8 Gs, but at least 5 in a pinch. Why should I have to settle -- for $400 no less?

But hey, it's your money. Who am I to say anything, right?

Those are some complicated shoes

by ANTHONY HURTE, AMERICAN AUTEUR

KNOCK KNOCK

"Who the hell are you?"

"Just kidding. Come in."

Ha! Gotcha good! Just a harmless little prank to break the ice; or maybe I did it to make you, the nervous interviewee, even more uncomfortable. Well, if you're going to be my personal assistant, you better get used to a few curveballs, because they'll be coming in fast, low and inside.

"Let's go out back to the guest house. Do you want anything to drink? You sure? This is Marcello."

That's right, I named my goldfish Marcello. What better way to celebrate the most charismatic actor of European cinema than to name my pet after him? It also lets guests know that I'm a consummate cinephile. See? My kitchen is papered with Italian movie posters. I may owe my success to a clever, low-brow high school comedy, but I have my sights set higher; I'm an American neo-realist deconstructing the modern everyman's experience, his alienation, his angst, his oh-so-hilarious shortcomings. I was just at Cannes… Anyway, I'd introduce you to my cat, De Sica, but he's probably upstairs taking care of business in his litter box.

"Could I bother you to take your shoes off?"

I'm really sorry. My new wife, she's Asian, and she insists. Plus, this is where I do all my writing. It's my shrine, if you will. I think it's a nice tradition anyway, though it may seem impractical, since you'll only be in here for ten minutes, tops. Wow, those are really complicated shoes. How long is it going to take for you to take them off?

"Wow, those are really complicated shoes…"

"I know; I was wearing them to impress you." What did you mean by that? Was that a little self-deprecating humor? Turning my back-handed observation on itself… Listen guy, I'm the comedy writer, I'm the one who makes the jokes here. You're not scoring any points.

Let me take a look at your resume anyway, not that job qualifications are a concern, since your job will mostly consist of running my daily errands, like picking up Johnny Cat from the Ralphs that's a block away, and feeding (but not overfeeding) Marcello.

"Why are you interested in becoming a personal assistant?"

Tough question, and I really enjoy asking it. There's no right answer: if you are interested in becoming a personal assistant, you're probably a star-fucking idiot; if you're not, why the fuck would you be here? I guess the income could be motivation enough… and the opportunity to be part of the inner circle of an American auteur (me).

"I see that you worked at Universal. What did you do there?"

Post production? Checking print after print of summer a summer blockbuster? I like that you threw in a comparison to the Clockwork Orange indoctrination sequence. "Not Ludwig Von!" I love Kubrick. I'm a cinephile.

But wait! Hold on! That blockbuster you're complaining about: I co-wrote it. Good thing I asked you to take your shoes off, because you just put your foot in your mouth!

"You know that Jim and I worked on that?"

Oh. You did know. So you were just bringing that movie up to let me know that you knew that I wasn't above Hollywood hackwork, even though I fancy myself an auteur, and a cinephile. This is not going well… for you I mean…

"Well, if you do end up coming on board, your job is going to get pretty demanding pretty fast. I just came back from a couple festivals, and there's been a lot of Oscar talk surrounding the movie, I think it's all getting a little ridiculous…"

I sometimes wonder whether my humility comes across as arrogant…

"And on top of that, I'm going to start prepping my next film. And I just got married… So you'll be busy. When we start shooting, you'll be busier."

That's assuming that I'll hire you, which at this point seems rather unlikely.

"Well, it was nice to meet you. I'll be in touch once I've met with the other candidates."

Fuck. Now he needs to put those goddamn shoes back on.

You have to understand, I'm a lone wolf

by SAMMY BOND, PROMO PRODUCER

RIIIINNNNG!! RIIINNNG!!

Hello?

Oh... It's for you... No, they didn't say who they were... Hey, while you take that call, I'm just going to check how my stocks are doing... Oh, wait, I did that 15 times this morning. I guess I'll just go check hockey stats again...

Yep. Nothing like hockey stats to demand my complete and total attention. Look how my eyes are locked in on the computer screen... I'm off in my own little world, just pretend I'm not even here.

Hmmm...You're looking over at me. I can see you in my peripheral vision... Gee, I hope you don't think it's awkward that I'm sitting five feet away from you while that HR rep tells you that you're fired...

Click. Click.

I sure hope she doesn't go into too much detail... Like mentioning that I personally requested your termination... By the way you just furrowed your brow I can see that you're confused by this. Yeah, I know we've only been working together for four days and you've been a total pro and hit every deadline no problem, but you have to understand... I'm a lone wolf. I can produce and edit all by myself. I'm the complete package... I'm a like a machine. Cool, steely, unemotional...

Except for where it comes to my family. Man, I love my family. And they love hockey too, just like me! See how they're always in hockey shirts and/or at a game in every single picture I have up on the wall? Yeah, I'm really grateful for this comfortable salary so that I can support them and their hockey habit...

Hey, that brings up an interesting question - you didn't need the money this job was bringing in, did you? I mean, you're a young guy... You probably have a nice cushion to fall back on... Some savings? By how deeply your face is flushing I'm guessing that's a no.

Well, even then, you have to admit, it makes sense. I mean, when you think about it, what's more important, you keeping the best paying job you've ever had or me essentially blacklisting you at this company just because I wanna produce and edit myself? Lone wolf remember?

Now you're holding the phone out to me. I won't look up. No, I'm just take it from you and put it back in the cradle. Oops. Caught another glimpse of your face by accident... Wait... Are you holding back tears? You really do look awfully flushed... You can't possibly humiliated and angry right now... I mean, I've never been fired, so I wouldn't know... But jeez... Wait! I know what'll calm you down...

"'Sup?"

See how calmly I said that? I'm showing you how this is no big deal for me. Doesn't the casual way I posed that question make one of the worst days of your life seem just a little brighter?

Why are you still staring at me?! Ah fuck it, if you're not going to be cool about this, I'm going to lunch. Later dude. Oh, and don't leave any of your shit here at the end of the day.

Oh, and you are staying till the end of the day right? I gotta cut out early to take my kid to hockey practice, so, if it's all the same to you - lone wolf with strike tomorrow. Thanks. And best of luck in whatever.

TRANSCRIPT from LA Based College Radio Station

COLLEGE RADIO HOST: Welcome to “Let’s do Lunch” – a college student’s window into Hollywood. Today we have producer Bruce Millings. Welcome Bruce. Thanks for stopping by.

BRUCE: Happy to be here.

HOST: Let’s say one of our graduating seniors wanted to work in your production company, what advice would you give them?

BRUCE: My number one tip: be a girl.

HOST: Be a girl?

BRUCE: Yes. Be a girl. I only hire female assistants. But before you go all Gloria Steinem on me, I’m not sexist. I’m the opposite of whatever sexist is. I think women are great. They’re so much better at doing assistant stuff, like opening my soda can.

HOST: I don’t see how gender fits into opening a can of soda.

BRUCE: Do you know how hard it is for a man to open a soda can? No nails. Can’t do it.

HOST: Why don’t you buy plastic bottles with screw-tops? Anyone can open those.

BRUCE: That’s besides the point.

HOST: But that is the –

BRUCE: It’s not just the cans of Diet Dr. Pepper. It’s other things too, like when I need my anal suppositories picked up from the pharmacy, a woman can handle it with the discretion that is needed.

HOST: I guess you don’t need to be discreet about it now.

BRUCE: Ahh, but yes I do, for I haven’t told you what the suppositories are for.

HOST: So… then… how did you get your start?

BRUCE: It was rough. My dad was running a studio at the time, so I had to start out as a junior creative executive.

HOST: So you were never an assistant.

BRUCE: No and I think that’s what makes me such a good boss.

HOST: Okay - Looks like we have to take a commercial break.

BRUCE: I just want to say to those kids out there, stick it out. I was you once, and look where I am know. Goes to show anyone can do it if you have the right dad or great boobs!

HOST: Thanks Bruce.

BRUCE: My pleasure.

HOST: Stay tuned for our next guest, Background Actor on Scrubs, Alumni Lyle Covington.

ATTN Nighttime Assistant Editors: Does my keyboard look like a bar of soap? Then why is your pubic hair on it?

by JIMMY THE GERM-O-PHOBE, EDITOR

I almost missed it. It was curled up in a semi-figure 8 pattern on, of all keys, my number 8 key - so you can understand how I almost didn't see it.

Luckily I don't use the #8 key much, and I appreciate that you didn't put in on the J, K, or L keys, cuz I use those a lot, and probably would've touched your pubic hair...that was on my keyboard.

I'm sure you're going to tell me it was an accident, but before you do, there is something you should know...I too have pubic hair and have never "accidentally had one leap out of my pants onto another man's keyboard" mostly because I choose not to rub my nuts while I'm at work. Because, let's be honest, that's the only way it could've gotten from your balls to my keyboard.

Which got me thinking, how many other mornings have I come in and started working, paused to pick up my bagel or apple and taken a bite, and then put my hands right back down onto the keyboard that you had been touching, right after you had been touching your nuts, only a few hours prior? 5 times? 10 times? 50 times?

Furthermore, you are working on a show about fat people running on treadmills. This is the show material that makes you want to put your hands down your pants?

Of course, there is one other explanation, and that is that you are resting your balls directly on my keyboard. Which, if that's the case, I'm really starting to get concerned about other items in my bay. I seriously don't want to touch anything now. Just remember, they call this clicky thing the "mouse" and not the "gerbil" - for the sake of both of us, don't get them confused.

How about you stay late tonight because, even though I won’t be in tomorrow, I would love if you could have them done by tomorrow

by CECI McMILLON, LITERARY AGENT

9:17 am

Thanks so much for making these labels for me. A thousand labels doesn’t sound like much, but when you print them all out… Ohhhhh… It seems you’re working off the old list. There’s a revised one. You don’t have it? I must have forgotten to e-mail it to you. My bad! I’ll shoot it on over. It’s twice as long, but you already know the drill, right? So it should be easy this time! I’m gonna go for a walk cause its so beautiful outside. I’ll check back with you in an hour. Thanks.

10:14 am

Just checking up. Doesn’t look like you got very far. It took you a week last time to do the whole list? Ohhhh……I was hoping you could maybe have these done by 2pm. Okay, well just try as hard as you can. You’re doing a great job, by the way. So, I’m gonna close my door. If you need me, knock really hard so I can hear you over the television.

2:00 pm

Look at you Miss Speedy Gonzales. 2pm on the dot. All done. Thanks for working through lunch. Trust me, you should be glad you didn’t go down to the commissary. They were giving out free samples to promote their new lunch menu and I just stuffed myself. Let’s take a look at these things – Ohhhhh… You used the abbreviation CA for California. I wish I had caught that the first time through. If you could go in and spell out California on each one, that would really be great!

No, I didn’t need them done by 2. I just wanted them done by 2 so I could cross it off my list. Let’s compromise. How about you stay late tonight because, even though I won’t be in tomorrow, I would love if you could have them done by tomorrow. You’re the best!

E-MAIL: There's money out there everywhere, you just gotta grab it!

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To: indiefilmguy@aol.com
From: cp@cpproductions.com

E-MAIL #1:

Hey hey!...great meeting you last week! so glad to get your message re: getting your feature project off the ground and into production! I'm sure i can help no problem. I was thinking of you last night, as a matter of fact. In the next 2 weeks I'm switching back over to film related projects. There's money out there everywhere...you just gotta grab it! TV season is almost done, then I've just got to wrap up this webisode project that I've been working on, and of course that cell phone game-show concept is in ongoing development. For me it's all about working in the future RIGHT NOW. I've made some tremendous contacts through friends. Meet [sic] with paramount guy last night, so we should meet, discuss some termsto [sic] get ready for when I go out.

This weekend is pretty much out, but Tuesday or wednesday works, I have a floating meeting those days, but I'll try to nail it down. Workin' workin' workin'....

-CP

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E-MAIL #2:

hey dude....thanks for sending the script. I did receive it and I have picked it up a few times, and got through about half of it. I've been working with a few people, and here's my thinking on selling a film. Script is important, but will get torn up in the process. Don't get me wrong....it's good to have one, but the pitch is what it is all about. I use a "boarded" technique, with cut outs of people and things to support the "15 cards" I carry with major plot points. Sort of half storyboards/half pop-up-book.

what do you think?

-C-to-the-P

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E-MAIL #3:

my man!....I didn't mean to give you the impression that I didn't like the script, I 'm dislesic [sic], so it's pretty difficult sometimes to digest reading. But I'm able to get to the guys who bankrolled the matrix (partied with their assists last weekend)...same guy sold youtube to google for billions. the guy who sold am-i-hot-or-not.com also owns the Pittsburgh Pirates and is one guy away from me. So if the project were currently in PITCHING FORM for me to pitch it, I could get it to these guys. So it goes! I also work with a group of dentists who look for under 5mil movies to make(they're very picky, but what dentist isn't?). So does this tell you where I'm at? MY Movie is still being written, (I'm not happy with the guys writing it). and I have some new camera equipment that must be developed before I can go out with it.

word up!

-CP

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E-MAIL #4:

hey Bro! things are good. So many meetings, so little time!

If I've not said it before....I think you've got a really great project here. The trailer you put together is top notch... music aside, and maybe a couple of soundbite & copy tweaks. A really saleable concept as is. And in my opinion some rewrites may be in order. Don't be afraid of voice-over.....when it's used right it really works.

Please see attached....this coverage person worked for Universal back in the day (by way of some smaller, very cutting edge companies). I value her opinion. I know....we didn't talk about getting coverage, but I thought I felt very similar and was unsure.....but when I read what she had to say, it was like she was reading my mind and suddenly I knew exactly what I thought. Let me know what you think of all this. And how to proceed.

-CP-3o!

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E-MAIL #5:

Dude! I hope all is well. I wanted to update you. I have a meeting with a Producer on Thursdsay [sic]. I have an outstanding meeting with Paramount to talk about your project. I can take a meeting with a big-time indy producer about your movie, if the other 2 fall through.

By the way, was my deal with you if I help finance, or sell your movie I recieve [sic] a ten percent commition [sic], a producer credit, and 10% back-end? (Of course the credit won't cost you any money!) I'm not sure we ever talked about this, and I forget.

-CP(rogess!)

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E-MAIL #6:

Hello out there!? Haven't heard from you in a while. I'm just emerging from a deal-making bender myself, so things are probably busy for you too. Or maybe you're onto those rewrites!? So many prospects on your project....once I really start telling people about it we'll be up and going in no time! Gimme a buzz and we'll grab a macchiato and chew the fat. I believe in you!

-CP

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E-MAIL #7:

Dude! For some reason the cell number I have for you stopped working. Still haven't heard from you, so update me when you can. Let's talk business. HOLLYWOOD!

-CP